so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
