if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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