I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
