I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
