Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
