hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
