I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
