My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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