you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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