Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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