I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
