New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
