my vag is so smooth its legendary
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
