Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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