Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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