I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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