Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
