Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
