I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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