i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
