Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
