How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
