So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
