this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
