She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
