fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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