If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
