Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
