You can't special order awesome
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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