Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
