i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
