So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
