can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
