My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
