If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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