ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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