Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
