do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
