does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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