I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
