The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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