I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
