"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
