remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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