Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
pray to the hookup gods
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
