Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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