I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
