seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
