No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
