your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
